Anatomy of this Outfit: Top – Crazy Box | Sweater – Hell Bunny | Skirt – Forever21

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Last week I read a really interesting article on attn:, which featured screenshots from a tinder conversation that had gone viral. The screenshots and subsequent article are both definitely worth a read, but I will go ahead and summarize it for you you here:

A guy looses his shit and lashes out at his date through text messages (read: he calls her sexist and racial slurs) after she makes it clear that she does not plan on sleeping with him, acting as if it his is God-given right as a male to be given sex from the opposite gender. Yup. You read that correctly. Sexism is (sadly) still very much a thing.

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Now I am not saying that all the hard work our sassy (and – I feel the need to point out – bad-ass) foresisters put in during their time has been in vain. We have come a long way, since 1919. Although we are still fighting for equal pay, women have made their way into many professional fields once thought unimaginable. We also have many male allies completely down with waving the feminist flag. The word feminism has also become a lot less scary.

And now that we currently find ourselves in a third wave of feminism, the discussions even amongst our own gender have become more refined – our arguments have been tweaked, our views on femininity and equality more nuanced.

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I am also living in one of the most incredible cities when it comes to tolerance and equality for marginalized groups. Which is why I guess I sometimes forget just how sexist the world still really is.

I can never really wrap my head around the fact that some men truly believe they are owed sex. That if they find a woman attractive and want to bone her, they automatically get sleeping rights. Oh and if they take her out to dinner, and she still doesn’t want to sleep with him, she is actually the inconsiderate one in this situation, tricking the man with her feminine wiles, rinsing him for all he is worth.

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Let me say this plainly and clearly – Just because you take a girl out on a date, does not mean that you are entitled to her body. Why? Well let me spell it out to all you men (who clearly do not read my blog, but hey, here goes anyway): Just because you want something does not mean the other person does. Just because you have decided you want to “get lucky” does not men the other person has.

Decisions that involve both parties rely on both involved individuals voicing their opinion. And one no and one yes does not a yes make. In fact, I would be willing to argue that in the majority of situations where a guy is getting Friend-zoned, it has a lot to do with the fact that he has decided since he is into a girl she has to be into him in return and a lot less to do with the fact that this girl is somehow evil.

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I myself recently experienced two situations similar the dame disrespected in this story. The first one occurred while I was in Prague. One of the guys on the trip with us who I did not know prior to the trip got his boxers into a twist after learning I was meeting up with a guy whom I had met on Tinder while in Prague. I learned later that he made some off the cuff remark about how it was wrong of me to use him, how I probably didn’t even tell him I was only there for the weekend, and how I was probably only looking for a free meal and how wrong it was, since I didn’t even have plans to sleep with him.

Ladies and gentlemen, when has someone buying you dinner ever meant that you had to repay them with sex? And what is all of this “repay” bullshit in the first place? Now yes, in a perfect world, every kind act would be returned with one of equal measure. But we do not do kind acts with the intension of receiving, as this kind of defeats the whole concept of a kind act in the first place. But I digress. It’s safe to say that once I found out what this fine specimen of human was saying outside of my presence, I was livid. In terms of my own self esteem, I could have cared less. But I was not hip to the fact that this punk thought so lowly of women.

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For the record, I made it clear from the onset that I was just looking for a friendly soul to show me around the city. I again re-iterated the fact that I was just looking for a friendly face, and not a boyfriend or a hook up. I also was not expecting dinner but he was kind enough to take me out. I also told him that whenever he found himself in Berlin he was more than welcome to hit me up so that I could take him out in return.

However, what if I had not been clear? What if I had not given him the play-by-play of the short weekend-long itinerary we had planned whilst in Prague? What if I myself was not sure if I wanted to go home with him or not, but decided last minute that I did not want to? Would that have made me a conniving harlot out for a free meal? Me thinks not. Me thinks it would have just made me human – and this instance of being human would have had nothing to do with my gender. And if I were out for a free meal? That would have just made me cheap, something also not able to be attributed to gender.

I also recently replied back to a guy I had been chatting with on Tinder after about a month of our brief conversation. Granted, it would have been more ideal if I had replied immediately, but life happens. You get busy, you have your daily routine, close circle of friends with whom you spend most of your free-time with, personal dramas, life happenings (moving, dealing with taxes, etc.), and sometimes the guy with whom you only had exchanged three or four lines of text with sort of lands at the bottom of the list of things to do. (As he should land, as it would be weird if he were number 1 priority on a laundry list of things I had to do this past month)

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So then you finally get a spare moment and remember the message you never replied to. You write the guy, apologize and explain you were busy, and ask how the person is doing. And you get this: “Answering a Month later? Is this a joke? Not interested. Show some respect.” As you can expect, I metaphorically spit out the drink I was not drinking.

In the world of tinder and online apps, and just messaging apps in general, we are constantly being bombarded from all channels. I probably receive messages from 20+ people a day on my personal/private accounts alone. It’s impossible to sit there and converse with every person all the time. Would it have been nicer if I had replied sooner? Yes. Would I have been upset if he had said that? No. But what he did say and the tone in which it was written made it very clear that although I was not getting called a slut or other sexist things, it was obvious the guy felt he was God’s gift to women, and I was a disrespectful cur for not responding to this manliest of men with equal measure.

Part of me thinks that the internet and technology is partially to blame – it’s this self-entitled attitude that has been one of the negative by-products of online culture where everyone thinks every minute detail of their day is worthy of a tweet or facebook status update – combined with the self-entitled sexist attitudes of some (NOT ALL) men, that has congealed into a really viscous form of modern sexism oozing out of the pores of these jerks. They may be down with us voting, but they certainly are not down with the fact that we may not want to get, well, down.

I sure as hell do not have all the answers, and clearly none of us do, otherwise sexism wouldn’t still be an issue, but I can only hope that if we all start to check our egos just a little bit more, and realize that no one owes another person anything, especially not based on gender, we might all calm down a bit and stop getting so damned salty when some girl decides she doesn’t want to do the nasty with you.

Photography: Sandro Mosco
Edits: Rae Tashman

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Herzlich, Rae


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Rae Tilly

Rae the EIC of LFB and YEOJA Magazine. She is also a photographer and social media influencer.


  • what a well-written and well thought out piece, yes we’ve definitely come a long way, but we still have ways to go. Sadly, I think the rise of social media is a contributing factor to the type of sexism exhibited these days, and we must educate everyone on what sexism is and create a dialogue about it all.



    • rae

      So glad that you enjoyed this read, Tenz! Social media is such a complicated thing. On one hand, I think it is an incredible way to communicate and connect with different people all across the world – it has also had such a positive impact politically in terms of helping organize grass root movements. Still, the downside is that it takes up so much of our time and pulls us away from the real world and causes people to become more ego-centric than they probably would be were we to not have have social media – and when this mixes with modern sexism, it just turns really nasty. I could not agree more, we really need to educate people – education is always the key.

  • “Nice guys” who talk about the “friend zone” are the worst. I can’t believe treating a woman like a human being somehow means you deserve sex. Totally agree about how social media have made things worse – and now they have a platform for their bullshit too.

    Also I got into a really ridiculous argument with this guy on sexism the other week during which he tried to say that the pay gap is a myth? Wtf???

    Jane / deluminators

    • “Nice guys” are never really nice, in my experience.

    • rae

      Oh I know it is really a very warped concept that when you act like you should out of human decency, somehow men think that means they deserve sex. Like why do women “owe” men anything? And what?! How did he try to argue that the pay gap is a myth?! Mind blown.

  • “But we do not do kind acts with the intension of receiving, as this kind of defeats the whole concept of a kind act in the first place.”
    This, but also, since when was a woman ‘giving’ sex, y’know? Fuck that shit, I want to be involved if I’m having sex, I’m not giving it and no-one is receiving it, it is a mutual activity for both of our enjoyment and so it should be taught. Sadly though, so many women and girls are instructed that sex is something to be given up to a man, that it is a gift for someone else, which I think we both know is absolutely fucking bullshit.
    I remember a similar article about tinder I shared on facebook, and lots of my male friends were astonished that some men do still feel entitled to a woman and sex with said woman. I quietly pointed out that this was why they were friends with me, because they didn’t have that entitled attitude. I’m so blessed that all the people I know are respectful of all, not just women.

    • I 100% agree with you. There’s too much of a societal idea that sex is not a mutual activity, it’s something given by one person to another. There’s also the idea that women “lose” their virginity and men “take” it, and it’s very much a one-sided thing – there’s not much of a discussion of men “losing it.”

      Kate |

      • Virginity is a weird one, it’s this idea that it is a state of purity or something and definitely a social construct, but I’m not too up on latest writings on virginity so I won’t say anymore for fear of looking stupid.
        Hopefully the idea that sex is a mutual activity will get ground and replace the antiquated ideas that it isn’t.

    • rae

      You bring up such a good point, Erin! I actually was telling a good friend of mine about your comment here. Sex really is about two people connecting, not about one “giving” something to the other. It really is a load of shit.

      Do you still have a link to the article you shared? And yes, you are very lucky to have such awesome men (who I am sure would not hesitate at identifying as feminists!) in your life, but it also speaks to how awesome you are, because we often keep similar company to how we are ourselves.

      • I’ll have a look, lovely, but I wouldn’t count on it. I’m not good at keeping hold of things.
        and don’t be silly, I’m not awesome, I’m just meeee

  • Sexism seems to be so entrenched within the human dna; I just don’t get it. Maybe 50 years ago I can kind of understand where it’s coming from, but it’s shocking that it still happens so often today in the developed society. Don’t even get me started on the third world / developing countries; women there are often just property, it’s disgusting.

    xo, alice / T Y P E N U

    • rae

      It is so sad and I although we have come such a long way, I really hope that in the next few generations the mistakes of our generation will be a thing of the past. And you bring up such a good point – it is very difficult when discussing sexism and inequality in developing countries I think, because it is easy to sort of judge other cultures with our developed western sense of morality and right and wrong, but if there is one thing that unites western countries, it is that we believe (at least in theory) that human rights are the most important tenant and anything that invalidates these are not acceptable. I try to be very sensitive to other cultures, but as any person from any culture, we have the right to stand behind our beliefs and I stand behind equality as the most important concept to live by, so I will not apologize for being against things like FGM.

      • Wooord. I think slowly but surely, at least one of the positive things of internet and social media is that it’s bringing a newer message of equality to all cultures across the world. I do believe equality can be achieved in this lifetime but we need women to be vocal and not standby as they see it happening!

  • Well said. This type of sexism extends beyond sex as well, as you clearly showed with your Tinder experience. Why does he feel you owed him the “respect” of a response earlier? Why do you owe him a response at all? Or anything? It’s more than sex. There are people out there who expect you to stay in a relationship because of the time/money they invested. It’s like the whole “nice guy” thing. Are they really that nice if they think they treating women a certain way entitles them to have a relationship? And you hit the nail on the head. I was thinking it before I’d read down to the end of the post: the self-entitled, self-deserving attitudes, and the innate NARCISSISM that our social media platforms now enable. Calm down. We are not all special snowflakes deserving of attention, sex, etc, just because we exist. As you said, “No one owes another person anything.”

    Alyse (J.X.L.) | Lumière & Lens

    • rae

      The whole “nice guy” thing is utter bullshit. If you are only doing nice things because you are keeping score so that you can use it against a woman later on, you are NOT a nice guy. I think men in general tend to be very entitled, which is one of the biggest problems to begin with and what really is the underlying problem with all forms of privilege be it gender, sexual orientation, economic, etc.

  • Written so beautifully and powerfully. I work at an architecture firm with all men (except for our office manager who is female) and I am thankful that 3 of the 4 men show me respect everyday (I had to take out the one guy because he is just a jerk and doesn’t take me serious because I am younger than him yet am in charge of more things than him) The 3 men who do show me respect have all been mentors to me through my first year as a full time employee and I will forever be grateful for the knowledge they have passed on to me. I hope women in all fields over the world can be as lucky as I am and not be judged based on my gender.

    • rae

      So glad that you enjoyed this read. I think the sad thing is that you are even thankful for that fact that 3 out of the 4 guys show you respect, because IT SHOULD BE A GIVEN that people treat each other respect. It is so sad that we tend to praise guys or think really highly of them when they act like what a human being should act like because it is so uncommon :( So sorry that one guy is an utter jerk though! I have also heard that architecture (like so many fields, surprise surprise) tend to be really male dominated.

      • I completely agree with you though, it should be a given. Also I have some good news!! He gave his 2 week notice yesterday so that solves that =o) Yeah, architecture is heavily male dominated but things are definitely changing, my university class was about half but with the higher percent being females which is inspiring to see =o)

  • Firstly, I would like to praise your outfit and whole appearance! U are so stylish and cute ♥ God ♥ Really adore your hair and bunny sweater ♥
    I experienced something like this a few times already. It´s really sad that even now u can meet jerks and assholes like this. In today´s world. When I was hanging out with a guy and when we spent time together, I was called love, sweet etc. But suddenly I was called slut, bitch and also by other nicknames when I refused to sleep with him. It´s really unbelievable. But on the other side, I´m really glad for this kind of experiences :) Now I can better decide who to hang out with and who not to. I hope that this wont happen anymore to me and u either :) ♡

    ♡ {Ziaja Slim} Spevňujúce telové mlieko ♡

    • rae

      Thank you so much, lady! So glad you like the outfit! And I agree, in this day and age we really should have kicked ass-holery to the curb by now! And nothing is worse than that kind of a guy. Not only is it completely uncalled for him to call you those sexist names (not to mention from a logical perspective makes no sense? You explain you are not interested in sleeping with him so he calls you a name meant for someone who sleeps around when in fact he was the one who wanted to get in your pants?! Great logic!) but I hate guys who play “nice” just to trick women. It’s almost worse than guys who are just straightforward about being dicks. At least when they are assholes from the start you know what you are dealing with right away!

  • Oh my goodness yes! So many guys have such ridiculous attitudes. I don’t even know how many guys I have heard say that women are sluts or brats for using them – and by “using them” they are referring to her not sleeping with them after they bought her just a drink. As if buying a drink is equal to sex. Hardly.

    Great post! Many women need encouragement to stand their ground and not feel guilty every time a guy throws insults at her, so I hope this encourages a lot of women :)

    xo, mikéla /

    • rae

      Oh god I will never understand how men think that buying you a 4 dollar beer means that they then own you for the night and get to take you home. Women are not things to be bought, owned, or claimed! So glad that you enjoyed this post and yes, we really do need to encourage each other to stand our ground and to not be affected by men who “retaliate” by using nasty words and slut-shaming.

  • I love how you’ve approached this topic. I recently conducted a journalism research study and looked at how the media’s portrayal of feminism has changed over time, it really is quite interesting and am hoping to write a post on it soon. As for the self-entitled attitude of SOME males (and I’m sure there would be some females out there who act in equivalent ways), it’s something that needs to be called out, like you so eloquently are.


    • rae

      Thank you so much Raashi! I am so glad you enjoyed this read and feminism really has changed over the years. In the 60s, a lot of feminists had this mentality that women could be “super women” – put dinner on the table AND work that awesome job. Since then, many of the feminists from this time have realized that this kind of mindset is also limiting, in that it urges women to become super human rather than just be human beings. I listened to an NPR interview a few years back that highlighted this amazingly. Here it is if you want to listen! (

  • Omg, this is so true! I applaud you for speaking out on occasion no.1 – it’s best to always be clear so no misunderstandings form, but seriously, why does everything have to revolve around sex?!

    Pop over to my blog!


  • Nancy Wilde

    This post is too relevant not to be read. *round of applause* I always wonder why some men feel like we owe them something. And why do they only understand our “No” when we are in a relationship – it’s like they can’t fucking grasp that not every single girl has to say yes to their needs, to their ego, to themselves.

  • If it weren’t so infuriating it would almost be hilarious that the guy you were travelling with thought it was so wrong of you to meet up with a guy from Tinder so he could show you around. Firstly, he has no idea how your conversation went with this other guy so he’s got no idea if you were even flirting or acting like there might remotely be any kind of non-platonic aspect to you meeting up with him at all. So for him to get offended on that guy’s behalf is ridiculous because he’s assuming that guy was expecting sex but in fact, and fortunately, not all men are as garbage as him and assume that talking to a girl means they might get laid.

    Secondly, as you and I both know because we’re not idiots, women have a choice in the matter and even if you had been flirting with the guy and had given him the impression that you might have been attracted to him (which you also might actually have been) that still doesn’t mean sex is on the cards. And if it were, it STILL doesn’t mean you’re obligated to follow through with anything because sex is about consent and even if you’d wanted to the whole time you were with him you still have every right to change your mind at the last minute because you’re a human being and you can do whatever the fuck you want and you don’t owe anyone, especially not some dude you hardly know, fucking anything.

    Jessica –