Starting out with the formal apologies. I honestly had real fucking high hopes for this blog ever since I decided to start posting on a more regular basis again. However the problem seems to be that my new-found will to blog has been rivalled by my new found job & freelance work. I guess it also has something to do with bloggers block, because at the moment, I keep searching my head for good topics to blog about – particularly content for this series – to no avail.
The thing is, I actually have a lot of content ideas, but they lend themselves to completely separate posts of their own under completely different categories. Really all that I am left with in this series are recapitulations of my week – which sometimes feels like too self absorbed of a topic – or thoughts or revelations about life. Lately, I can’t really say that I have had any deep profound life changing thoughts. If anything I am sinking into a bit of the doldrums and still trying to tread water to keep my nose above the surface, all the while somehow comfortably adjusting into the final stages of young-adulthood where the strings are cut off and you float above ground on your way to full adulthood, all on your own with no one to blame but yourself when you fuck up.
And if anything, what I have realized is that adulthood is really not all that exciting. I finally got that job I love, and I am still working towards a goal with my photography, but that’s kind of it. I’ve sort of made it already. I have a loving boyfriend, a stable source of income, a job that I get excited about going to, friends to spend my time with, a lovely flat, a loving and supportive family, and two adorable little kitties. Honestly, what more could a gal ask for?
I guess the part that is missing is some hidden fountain of excitement, that you just don’t get from day-to-day living. Now, I have seen a lot of inspirational quotes floating around the internet and they usually go something like this: Are you happy? If so good, keep doing what you are doing. If not, change something. Which in itself is hardly bad advice. The thing is, I am happy – but less of that romanticised version of it, where our hearts still beat as fast as they once did when we were 16 years old with the windows rolled down and our hair whipping behind us as we stuck our heads out the windows and screamed at the top of our lungs. Where in our early twenties we broke up with the love of our life and in that infinite sadness we drank to fill the empty space inside our bodies where love once was, smoked all night because we were invincible and nothing could touch our innocence; An innocence fighting to become experienced – fighting to become an adult.
And now? Well I am here, and I am sort of clawing at the grass trying to slow down the process as I begin to float on up. Because that part of young-adulthood – the part that most mirrors actual adulthood is full of a lot of stability – which is a good thing – but not nearly as exciting as breaking into a million pieces all at once. And the crazy exciting events become a bit more spaced out. Then again, we all expect life to be one big movie, and it’s not now is it? It’s just like aspirational quotes – always aspiring to something intangible because it gives us the hope that some romanticised version of constant excitement made up of equal parts happiness, sadness, stupidity, and anger exist.
I feel like people are always referring to some secret to enjoying some exciting life – like if you just drop everything and go, you will find the key to true limitless adventure. But real life is riddled with responsibilities so just picking up and going doesn’t seem all that polite or feasible. No one is saying you have to build yourself a prison and live in it, and god knows I dream of dropping everything and just going for a little while – which might even be the answer at least for a little while, every now and then. But we also might just need to adjust our expectations a little bit and realize that day-to-day life is actually rather uneventful. But it is the day-to-day that supports the ability to have those insane adventures every now and again – because adults stand on their own two feet, and don’t live in the basement of their parents. Which actually seems a lot less free and much more like a prison if you ask me.
The beauty of being a young-adult though, is that I am sandwiched between both worlds. Part of me is still a messy hopeful wide-eyed child itching for experience, yearning to feel everything twice as hard and twice as long as everybody else does. Part of me welcomes the stability of adulthood – the calm and the ability to find enjoyment in the simple pleasures. And actually, the sadness and emptiness that I am currently experiencing has a lot less to do with my current existence – because I actually love my life more than ever now – it’s the fear that all of this will be ripped out from under my feet in two years time when I become a real adult. But maybe, just maybe, this isn’t an in-between transience which connects two worlds – maybe this is what my adulthood is all about. And if that’s the case, well then I can be pretty damned satisfied with the constant pull between shake and calm.
Photography: Dean
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