It’s that time of night again, and I’m afraid I’m getting overly thoughtful and falling into my own mind creating some alternate universe that is spinning right along next to ours. It’s luxurious when you make up the plot and freeing when the sequential moments are the ones you’ve dreamt up. I’ve made a soundtrack to this life that is not mine. And each beat fits with the changing tempo of my heart.

The elevator opens, as I fumble for my keys, palming the hallway light switch in the dark to find three peonies on the matt at my front door and a single envelope. I peek over the railing down at the flights of stairs below but I’m still alone. Pick up the flowers and the envelope, turn the lock, open the door and step inside. I use my foot to shut the door behind me, drop my bags where I stand, place the flowers on the table and remove the paper from inside the envelope, fold it open and I silently mouth what’s spelled out right in front of me. Three typed sentences, black symbols in the middle of a sea of white. But those words feel so crowded with all the words that are missing and I resist the urge to just pick up the damned phone and call him because he’s said it all before and I’ve deleted his number anyway.

Wash the day from my face, take a warm bath, slip into my nightclothes, and wrap my robe around me tightly before folding into the covers. Bathed in candlelight, watching the glowing shadows on the wall dance lightly from the movement of the air, not sure what to think. And the doorbell rings.

Its him. I buzz him up. Look through the keyhole. And he’s standing there, snow on those shoulders of his that I loved so much.

Opening the door, letting him in, not exactly sure how we are supposed to begin. And before I speak he says everything I’ve needed to hear for so long without saying a thing. I help him out of his coat, he brushes my cheek and we fall into each other over and over and over again. That night behind closed doors and in the kitchen the next morning, me sitting on the counter top hugging his waist with my crossed legs as I pull him in close and refuse to let go.

Every scene that plays before my eyes are only made up of everything that happens before they call cut. Only the highlights and the laughter and the touches and the happiness. A walk in the park. Two hands finding their way to each other again, fingers re-acquainting themselves with each other, interlocking into one.

We drop it all and scrape up our savings. Buy a camper and drive across the US. He behind the wheel, my feet up on the dash in the seat beside him, a lazy smile across my lips as I drift into sleep with the sunlight refracting off the glass of the windshield. It bounces off in angles, slamming back into the world. That open road. Those endless panoramas. It all seems so vast but so small, comforting, and navigable at once. We’re driving along those windy roads with the double yellow lines to our left. We’re camping in the woods and hiking through paths we forge ourselves following in the same footsteps as the lovers before us, before our time. Before we were ever born. We climb higher and higher past the trees to view it all from above. Breathe in the fresh mountain air. We’re swimming in lakes in summer and carrying the warm breeze with us wherever we go. We might be walking but we’re really flying.

Our nights are spent by the campfire wrapped up tightly in each other’s arms wrapped up tightly in some warm red flannel blanket around both our shoulders, eyes half closed as the embers die low. And when the heat dissipates we crawl into our home on wheels and create our own.

Morning light streams through the window of our camper. Steam rises from warm mugs of tea. He’s writing that book he always wanted to write and I’m creating a series of still memories with my camera of every god damned adventure we have. It’s some ridiculously unfathomable love story.

This is fantasy and I know he’s not coming back. There will be no flowers at my door. There will be no sunsets spilling gold light between the trees causing us to squint as we watch the light fade behind the horizon. There will be no more nights tangled up in each other’s limbs and hearts. No mornings waking up with him being the first thing I see. Because the world loves tragedies. The people want their Romeo and Juliet. A broken Ophelia. Tears over smiles. The best books that have stood the test of time were never written about the happy endings. We’re more in love with sadness than the things that make us laugh. And I’m just a stupid lovesick girl whose head is full of silly dreams raised on fairytales and ever afters. The world is my reality. Not some ridiculous fanciful story from the recesses of my childish mind. Why didn’t they ever warn me? Time never remembers the names of the happy ones.

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Stay conscious, Rae


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Rae Tilly

Rae the EIC of LFB and YEOJA Magazine. She is also a photographer and social media influencer.


  • This is so beautifully written hun :) If you were to write a novel, I would read it for sure!

    Rachel xx

    • rae

      Thank you so much, Rachel! And I have definitely toyed with the idea. I am planning on writing a book with my photography about being adopted and searching for my birth mother which I plan to do next summer. :)

  • To hope for something to happen is not stupid, lovely. It might not be reality with him but it shows you are capable of deep unapologetic love and one day it will find you and doesn´t have to be a dream anymore! Tragedies, like gossip are always remembered but the happy ones don´t need the noise, they are happy in their own reality, busy living an happy life, not making room in their lives for the opinion of sheep :)

    • rae

      Thanks Martina, for your kind words!

  • So beautiful! So much feeling <3

    The Quirky Queer

    • rae

      So glad you liked it, Izzy!

  • wow I’m absolutely in love with your writing. and I know how you feel. oh yes, I do. this is goddamn relatable – and that’s kind of beautiful. x

    Hannie Arden,

    • rae

      Thank you so much Hannie! So glad you liked this piece.

  • love and connection with others can be so powerful – you have such a nice way with words :)

    • rae

      Thank you so much, Fee!

  • megsiobhan

    Wow. This was BEAUTIFULLY written…I was gripped the whole way through this.

    Meg | A Little Twist Of…

    • rae

      Thank you so much Meg!

  • millieerosee

    this is so well written, future book writer…..?? ;) x x

    • rae

      One day! ;)

  • This is so beautifully written and I could feel the sadness through every word. I’m not sure if you’re writing from your heart, portraying something that you’re going through now or if this is a complete fiction but it’s beautiful. I agree with all the other comments, you are a talented writer and if you ever write a book then I would be the first to buy. xx

    Shireen | Reflection of Sanity

    • rae

      Thank you so much, Shireen and they are my feelings based on experiences but also woven in with fiction. And I actually hope to write a book over the next few years when I begin to embark on my journey to find my birth mother.

  • I love this. You’re really talented. Keep it coming x

    • rae

      Thanks so much, Lina! So glad you liked the text!

  • I love your writing style, you so so talented! Have a lovely weekend :)

    • rae

      Thank you so much, Eden! So glad you liked this piece! It really means a lot to me. Hope you had a wonderful weekend as well!

  • Yellowicing

    This is incredibly beautifully written Rae, I was so moved by your words and gripped all the way through. I’m going through something similar myself so it really reasonated with me.

    Lucy x- Yellowicing

    • rae

      Thank you so much, Lucy! So glad that you enjoyed this post. Sorry to hear that you have been going through something similar! Hope things turn for the better for you soon!

  • Lovely! I was so touched by this! You are an incredible writer, please continue to compose like this for the blog. You are very talented. An amazing post

    • rae

      So glad that you liked this piece! And thank you so much – I will definitely be posting more writing here on LFB :)

  • It’s beautifully written! I love your style, you are a good writer!

    • rae

      Thank you so much, Ela!

  • idu

    Fantastic. You write so well and I totally enjoyed this.

    • rae

      Thank you so much, idu!

  • This was such a lovely piece, Rae. I’ll be honest and say that I don’t have any personal experiences with extreme heartbreak in the past, but I’m enough of a romanticist, idealist and reader to know what happens in fairytales and tragedies, and you’re right; the world loves a gut-tearing tragedy. Though on another tangent here, it’s something I really want to explore and understand.

    I love the fact that all the sequences you described were written in present tense. It’s wishful. It’s hopeful, and it makes the ending paragraph that much more impactful. Your final sentence, especially; “Time never remembers the name of the happy ones.” Oh how desperately sad and true at the same time.

    You’ve also picked a wonderful title for this piece, Rae. “No flowers at my door.” I can analyze that sentence to no end, but I think we’re all mindful of the meaning so I shall leave it at this, bearing consciousness of the fact that I am an extremely picky reader: I loved this.

    Have a lovely Sunday, Rae.

    May | THE MAYDEN | Bloglovin’

    • rae

      Thank you so much, May! I am so glad that this piece spoke to you and that you enjoyed it so much. Thanks so much for your thoughts on this piece as well!

  • You definitely have the talent to write, Rae. Blogging is definitely something you should continue doing and use it to promote your book in the future if you start writing books. I will buy your book =)

    • rae

      Thank you so much – and yes I def. plan on beginning to write an autobiography of my journey to find my birth mother next summer.

  • Stefanie Pink

    Poetic & very lovely words! I think almost every girl can relate to that. It gets better soon, it always does <3 Have patience and faith!

    xo Stefanie

    • rae

      Thank you so much, Stefanie! So glad you enjoyed the post!

  • Wow, this is extremely well-written and a very interesting piece to read. I dabble in writing (although less than I used to) and this is definitely one of those pieces that inspire me to practice more to get to this level. And I totally agree on the fact that the world loves tragedies and we don’t remember happiness. I was actually just thinking about this the other day, so timing was spot on. Lovely piece, Rae :)

    Sam |

    • rae

      Thank you so much Sam! So glad that you enjoyed the post! Really hope that you pick up writing again too!

  • Such a beautiful piece! <3 I have a bit of issues with fairy tale endings because that is what we are raised on is everyone living happily after and life is always about finding a man when in reality relationships have there ups and downs, they have to be worked on time and time again, we fall in and out of love through out our lives, sometimes love and life is a complete ball of mess and life isn't about finding a man. Then you have a society that can bring more attention to all the tragedy and pain, I mean all you have to do is watch the news and there is way more tragedies than positive experiences. Sending love and hugs your way Rae! <3

    • rae

      Thank you so much, so glad that you liked this piece and I could not agree with you more! Sending hugs your way too, lady!

  • WOW I am in love with this. Sometimes, it’s really hard for me to concentrate when I read things but this just sucked me right in. I could see it all playing out right in front of me. You have a lovely talent for imagery, you know? Of course, I’m a confessed hopeless romantic, so I suppose I would be drawn to a piece like this. ;p Also, your photo is really beautiful, as well!! <3

    xx Alyssa — fragments of memories

  • thefashionsalt

    This is such a wonderful piece. It is sad that the world is addicted to tragedy. I guess because it reflects more of reality, or because we just never hear of the “happy ones.” Can’t wait to read more of your beautiful writing :)

  • This is such an amazing, relatable and brilliant piece of writing Rae, I just, I can relate to so much of it. I think this sentence stuck out to me the most, “It’s luxurious when you make up the plot and freeing when the sequential moments are the ones you’ve dreamt up”. Amazing to read!


    • rae

      Thank you so much, Raashi! So glad that you enjoyed this piece and glad that you could relate to it as well!

  • So beautifully written… It’s so easy to live in the confines of your own head sometimes as yes, you get to narrate it and it’s always a beautiful love story. But then reality hits and you’re left with the last dregs and the memories of what once was..

    • rae

      Thank you so much, Julie! It definitely is, but picking up the pieces is part of life, I think.

  • Elizabeth Hisle

    Sometimes I read something so beautiful it is painful. This is one of those times. I love the imagery. I loved the title. I loved the way I could hear it being read in the echoes of my mind. The world, in my opinion, loves a tragedy for two reasons: one, it takes our minds away from our own pain and allows us to focus on others. Two, it is somehow comforting to know everyone hurts in that pit inside your ribcage. Good luck, Rae.

    • rae

      Thank you so much, Elizabeth! Your comment means so much to me, I am so glad that you liked this piece so much!

  • Vaida Tamošauskaitė

    oh wow. this is really WOW! keep it up, girl! and that picture of yours at the top – just like from a movie :))
    Vaida @

    • rae

      Thank you so much, Vaida!

  • This was really lovely and sad to read. I am hopeful that your writing is cathartic for you and heals you just a little – because it is beautiful to read for us. I hope it is beautiful to write, for you.

    • rae

      Thank you so much, Katia! So glad that you enjoyed this read, and yes, it is quite cathartic for me!

  • yuka

    this was so beautiful. I relate to it so much, we’ve all been in that headspace at one time or another.

    • rae

      Thank you so much, Yuka!

  • Wow, I’m at a loss for words at how beautiful this writing is! I really hope everything works out for you, Rae xx

    Pop over to my blog!


    • rae

      Thank you so much, Sarah!