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What does it mean to be Human?

  • Feb 13, 2015
Anatomy of this Outfit: Vegan “leather” jacket – Nasty Gal | Top – Topshop | Skirt – Free People | Tights – H&M | Boots – thrifted

What is it about the human that lets it hurt so quickly with abandon, fully and completely? I think about the thousands of other species on this planet who undoubtedly feel physical and mental pain too but who can run and hunt and play and hide with predators all around them and then I think, what causes us to sit holed up in a kitchen chain smoking slowly killing ourselves from the inside, feeling it all, writing words about our condition, throwing sentences up against the wall to watch them fall back down time and time again? What a silly beautiful little ritual.

I have a propensity to feel this kind of depth of despair and shake my head telling myself you know you are smarter than that unlit cigarette on your kitchen table and stronger than the tears you cry. But I shut my eyes, scrunch them up real tight, trying to chase that new song feeling.

That paradox of my hypochondriac behavior and propensity to grasp at health and wellbeing and my dark relationship with despair. I’m chasing after a healthier mind and healthier body and there is no part of me that is proud of my weaknesses. But certain setbacks set. me. back.

Still stronger than that trembling girl I was a year ago still years away from being fully centered. But these newfound roots that have grown from my feet and imbedded themselves in each and every surface under them has me more centered than I ever was before. So why am I ashamed and unable to kick this habit?

I used to say that there is some beauty in everything when it’s falling apart and that terrible artist inside of me must still latch on to such moments holding on tightly, not wanting to let go – wanting to play that sad girl in that sad film with that sad soundtrack in that sad but fucking beautiful world as I feel it growing harder and harder to stay this way for longer making these moments of beautiful sadness harder and harder to enjoy. But there is also a beauty in happiness. I just keep telling myself just please God no don’t let me loose my humanity in the process. Oh how fantastic and flawed the ego is. What messes we humans are.

Photography: Johannes Husen

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Stay conscious, Rae

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Rae Tilly

Rae the EIC of LFB and YEOJA Magazine. She is also a photographer and social media influencer.

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  • Such a lovely post, I really enjoyed reading it – you write so beautifully :)
    P.S. Your hair is absolutely amazing! x

    thebellenarrative.com

  • isabel selles

    u look absolutely amazing!!!!!

    xx

    isa

    http://www.un-likely.com

    • rae

      Thanks Isabel

  • I guess it is the human ego that sets us apart… hope you’re doing okay Rae :)

    • rae

      Very true, and thank you, Jane.

  • Jessica (What To Style)

    Awesome look! Beautiful floral top! =)
    NEW POST on http://whattostyle.blogspot.com/

    xoxo,
    Jessica

    • rae

      Thanks Jessica

  • Gingi Edmonds Freeman

    I just can’t get over how awesome your hair looks!! I love it! <3 – http://www.domesticgeekgirl.com

  • Gabriel Vitorino
    • rae

      thank you

  • I know I have said this before, but I still can’t get over your hair. I just love it so!

    xo

    Michaela

    http://michaelajeanblog.com

    http://www.etsy.com/shop/MichaelaJeanArt

    • rae

      Thanks Michaela

  • There’s so much in this that inspires me.
    I’m feeling really fucking sad right now, which is the only way to put it.

    The artist inside me loves the dark too, romancing disaster and the strength to over come it all, but also the beauty in getting to that black place first.

    I love this, every little piece of it.
    Thank you for writing it.

    • rae

      Thanks so much for your comment, Erin. I am really glad that you enjoyed this entry. And you are right – there is a beauty in crawling out of our self-made holes and finding the light again too.

  • I just found your blog! Absolutely love your style and that hair!!
    Happy Valentines Day!
    xx Sabrina
    http://www.gypsytan.co

    • rae

      Thanks, Sabrina

  • Messes, indeed.
    I too hold on to certain “sadness” but do not know why.

    • rae

      I think it is just human nature to sometimes get lost in the beauty of such a deep emotion, even if it causes us pain.

  • Wow, what a beautifully written post, and I love the look!

    • rae

      Thanks, Valerie!

  • Style_Me_Annie

    Great look! And lovely words

    xo Annie

    New England Romance

    • rae

      Thanks Annie

  • Your words are even more beautiful than your outfit. I love that shirt! I would comment with something but I don’t think it needs any addition <3

    The Quirky Queer

    • rae

      Thank you so much Izzy.

  • Z.

    You know, I think artists sometimes feel a certain fondness for sadness, because in a lot of cases, it’s our muse. I was telling someone a while ago, that for people (like me) who draw inspiration from pain and darkness, it can be a struggle learning how to draw inspiration from happiness. And so sometimes we tend to subconsciously marinate in our darkness, because we create beautiful works of art from it. I’m beginning to learn how to draw creativity from happiness, but it’s been a hell of a journey, as I’m sure it has for you. I don’t know how much comfort my words give you, but just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in how you feel.

    Z. | J. POTTER

    • rae

      I agree – you know every song that I have ever written is about sadness? It can get so easy to get lost in that darkness but you are right, we also need to actively seek out inspiration from happiness and light because there is also so much beauty in this world in which we can also gather inspiration from. Thank you very much for your comment.

  • Rae, what a beautifully written blog. I do think sometimes humans are drawn to the kind of sadder or less obvious situations because we just need something to keep our brains ticking aover and need something to draw inspiration from. I personally find it very hard to create new things from a perspective of happiness or perfection just because there’s nothing complex there to analyse or figure out. But I agree, what messes we can be. xx

    • rae

      Thank you so much Laila. I agree a lot with your comment, which is why I think so many artists find themselves battling with sadness – it’s a tool but can also easily consume you.

  • This is so beautifully written, it gives me a lot to think about specifically as an artist but just as a human too. Hope all is well with you!

    • rae

      Thank you so much Kathryn.

  • your hair is OUT OF THIS WORLD

    sydsense.blgspot.com

  • we’re all different but all very similar in ways. thinks need to be embraced and lived, kitchen chain smoking sounds like that last thing we should be doing. your hair is pretty amazing btw, not sure if i’ve ever said.

    Buckets & Spades

    • rae

      Agreed and thanks, Matt!

  • wow this was such a beautiful written piece. each word resonated with me. I felt each word and sentence. I’ve dealt with mental illness my whole life, and somewhere along the way I forgot about the creative person I had inside of me. I’m taking time now only to get better, mentally and physically and also allow that creative person be.

    http://www.footnotesandfinds.com

    • rae

      Thanks so much. I do not personally deal with any diagnosed mental illnesses so I cannot imagine what that must feel like but it must be very difficult and you are a very strong person to have come out the other side.

  • This outfit is gorgeous and I totally have that shirt :) Your words are very deep, I’ve also had depression and its sometimes hard not to get caught in a downward spiral. Stay strong :)

    Rachel xx
    http://www.thedailyluxe.net

    • rae

      I really hope that you are doing better now, Rachel and are on a healthier road. Thanks so much for your comment.

  • Beautiful look and beautiful writing

    Made in Mauve // Bloglovin

    • rae

      Thanks so much

  • I love this outfit! You hair looks amazing!
    Melanie @ meandmr.com

    • rae

      Thanks Melanie.

  • Beauty Follower

    I like the colours of your hair!

    http://beautyfollower.blogspot.gr

  • Oh, your hair colour is amazing.

    Hope you had a lovely valentine. Have a lovely week.

    http://sophialastyles.blogspot.co.uk/

    • rae

      Thanks sophia, hope you did as well.

  • you have such an intriguing look, esp that blue/green color – amazing on you.

    – le jolie

    • rae

      Thanks Susan :)

  • Nancy Wilde

    Oh man, you’re so cool, it hurts! You look amazing and I wish you all the strength and discipline you might be needing right now. xx

    • rae

      Ah Nancy thanks :) And your comment really means a lot to me. I am trying to be strong and disciplined the best that I can!

  • At the risk of sounding like the most hipster person ever, I feel like I saw a Ted Talk about this. (Are Ted Talks hipster? I dunno but I kind of feel like they are.) I’ll try to find it tomorrow morning and link you.

    But anyways, this was beautifully written. I’ve often found that it’s so much easier to get caught up in the despairing moments. And I believe that this is because for the most part, life is boring. Really boring. And so whether we realize it or not, there is always some part of gravitating towards that dark place because it instantly means you have something going on. And something to stew about. I don’t know if that sounds awful, and maybe that’s just me, but I’m such an overthinker. It’s a bad habit but it’s also a comforting thing. And I find that I always need something to focus on. I’ve been making more of an effort to find happy things to go over in my head incessantly. Often though, for me, this takes the form of planning (planning a trip, planning the future) and I feel like it comes across as me being ungrateful for where I am and what I have now. It’s just another something that I’m working on.

    You said that you’re feeling stronger and I think that’s the most important part of all of this. I don’t know if there’s such a thing as ever feeling truly centered, but that also doesn’t mean we should stop striving for it. Maybe it just means we should be a little bit easier on ourselves for achieving it.

    x Kathryn
    Through the Thicket

    • rae

      Ah! I actually LOVE TED talks – a friend of mine really got me addicted to them this year – although I must confess I do not watch them nearly as much as I probably should – I don’t know the one you are referring to, but would love a link to if if you can find it!

      And thanks so much – your comment really means a lot to me. And I agree a lot – we don’t really know why we are here – but we are, and we have a lot of time (although in other senses not nearly enough) so we basically just fill it with things to do. And sometimes like you said, that means we go to that sad place. I am an overthinker too, so I get entirely where you are coming from. For me, I don’t particularly ENJOY going to a sad place, I honestly used to not have that much control over it, but when I fell into sadness, that artist inside me loved being that sad person. Now that I am more centered though, I find it harder and harder to actually go to those deep depths of sadness and that kind of disappoints me in a certain strange way. So I can understand sadness as a comfort too – it’s sort of like having beautiful broken friend.

      I think it is also normal to always need something to focus on, but it also helps to just be able to live in the moment, even when nothing is going on. This is why I love yoga so much. It has really helped me to just enjoy being there and present. But planning can e great because it gives you something to look forward to. It is just bad when we constantly need to set goals and plans to feel like our lives have meaning and when we forget to focus on the here and now and be happy. But it is great that you are working on this.

      Again, thank you so much for your kind words, Kathryn.

  • Kenna

    You look like such a confident young gal. Thanks so much for being vulnerable and sharing your opinions on humanity. Super rad, dude.

    http://www.thejuiceboxqueen.blogspot.com

    • rae

      Thanks so much, Kenna, your comment has meant a lot to me.

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