Something that I have always believed is that the word “alone” does not need to mean “lonely.” Unfortunately, this association is made 99% of the tine. In fact, I even find myself creating this association much of the time, despite intellectually believing the opposite.
And it is because being alone can be scary. It forces us to have to come face to face with ourselves, and since we are all works in progress, we often run into the situation where we are confronted with aspects of ourselves we may not entirely like, which can make being alone a less than pleasant experience. The whole idea of spending quality time with yourself doing the things you love to do get hijacked by negative thoughts, and you end up sitting there shit-talking yourself instead of watching that movie that has been on your list for ages, or reading that book you have been meaning to read for months.
And this isn’t even the only thing that holds us back from confronting aloneness and experiencing solitude. Even if we were to be feeling extremely positive about ourselves emotionally and intellectually, we might still be gripped with the fear of actually facing a substantial chunk of time with only our own selves to keep us company. Suddenly, all those times we wished we just had a “me-day” to decompress and embark on our own solo projects just don’t seem as appealing as sitting down for a cuppa with a friend or curling up on the sofa watching a movie with friends.
The social stigma that comes with being alone can create a huge barrier as well, preventing many of us from embarking on solo-dates to the movies or to a nice restaurant. There is that assumption we all carry with us that being alone is never a choice but a resignation – the unwilling acceptance that all the important people in your life are simultaneously busy and being alone was just a last resort. We carry this assumption with us everywhere, and are saddened when we see people alone – assuming this is not their choice. We fear that when we ourselves are then that person, that others will think the same.
These social pressures, personal anxieties, and inexperience with being alone make the whole process really scary and unappealing. But that fear can prevent us from learning all the amazing parts of ourselves that we tend not to see. That fear can hold us back from actually experiencing how liberating and fulfilling quality me-time can really be. We often spend so much of our times focusing on others, getting updated on their lives and happenings and although that is wonderful, we should pay ourself the same kind of loving attention and care. We should bask in the beauty of being in our own company because this kind of alone is really not alone or without others but being with yourself.
Of course there is also a distinction to be made whether or not this “alone time” is forced alone time or chosen alone time. I am definitely the type of person who actually does need a regular dose of chosen me-time as much as I need social time with those I hold dear. And when I think about deliberately taking out a substantial amount of time to re-focus on myself and re-center (since I tend to constantly worry about everyone else but myself), it can be a hit or miss type of situation – enjoyable or really lackluster. But when being alone is sort of forced upon you it’s kind of like one giant miss, like one giant wet blanket you just want to shake off your shoulders all the while shuddering your way down the hall and into an oversized sweatshirt.
I am currently navigating the world alone and not by choice this time. Not alone – because I have amazing people around me whom I cherish and am blessed to have in my life. But I am navigating the world without a partner, single for the first time in two years. It’s a scary process and it’s involved a lot of sitting around and smoking (while being entirely aware of the fact that all I want to do is quit), not exactly sure what to do with all of this new found time I have, while still never really having any time either – I know, it’s a strange modern condition. I have no crystal ball and I have no way to reach into the future to predict if we will find our way to each other again, or find our way into the arms of others, but for the time being I am just trying to take each step one at a time. It’s that typical two step forwards, one step backwards bullshit, but at least there has been some improvement even with the backslides.
With all that has been going on, I have decided to take my first solo trip ever in April for 6 days, and I think that even if I were to still be in a relationship, I would want to do this. (Although being single has pushed me to really make the leap.) It’s something I have talked about for a long time now. I think that although being alone can be extremely scary, (and I don’t mean alone as in single, because you can still venture out on your own and be alone while in a relationship – this is healthy and good and something many people undervalue or forget) it can also an amazing experience to check in with yourself, center yourself, and reach a better understanding of who you are and who you want to be. Or also just enjoy silence and the world around you without any distractions.
Of course watching all the true crime that I do has gotten me irrationally convinced I am going to be abducted and stuffed into the trunk of a car, but hey, I hear Fuerteventura is really safe. In fact, I was there a few years ago and found it to be really safe and basically just full of volcanic rock and lots of goats – all of which I just wanted to take home with me – the goats, not the rock, that is. And with surf, sand, and sun, this experience can only end up being an awesome one. Time to get my “Eat, Pray, Love” on…
photography:
Johannes Husen
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