Anatomy of this Outfit: Shirt – Urban Outfitters | Hat – Urban Outfitters | Shorts – vintage Levis | Tights – H&M | Shoes – Local store in Berlin

photography by Rae Tashman -

Not necessarily a true story. Just some fact and fiction woven together. But then again the written word often is…(read part one here) Do you know that feeling when you start to move on? Part of you is happy to be free of a pain that locked you up like a prison. But there’s this other small and dull but ever present throbbing inside of you that begs to be brought back to those nights full of tears when the only thought in your heart and mind were ways of how to get him back. So you close your eyes and try to force yourself to remember his face or the funny way he danced but only around you to make you laugh – your secret dancer. So you beg and plead, bargain with yourself to hold onto those broken parts of you that have somehow slowly healed – when you weren’t looking, when you were just going about your life like any of us do. Because those parts are him as much as they are parts of you.


You grasp at memories and feelings – not the ones you had with him that you recalled when you sat there crying blowing smoke out the kitchen window as the sun parts ways with the day, but those memories and feelings of what is was to be torn up inside, with a heart so heavy – a weight that you barely carry with you now because it’s become so light. You smile and regret it, cursing yourself for your newfound sense of happiness because this newfound feeling is a feeling which has nothing to do with him. Goddamn that soul for healing itself.


So I try to hold onto some of that pain. Close my eyes while I’m still awake at night and try to force my thoughts to back to all those many moments I’ve made more beautiful in my mind. Made up memories which stand in for actual events, a selfcreated version of some idealized situation which swapped out cold shoulders and angry words for embraces and acts of kindness. Or to take all those broken times with him, rough and jagged at the edges – fights and ugly words thrown around like old toys – and turn these sour moments into some ridiculously stupidly tragically romantic love sick moment that would likely be played by Rachel McAdams in a film adaptation of a Nicholas Sparks novel where someone dies of cancer at the end. But he isn’t the last thing I think about at night if I have to force myself to think about him. And he’s not the one that got away if my heart and mind is slowly letting him go.


It’s funny how you don’t just break up once – but twice. First with a person, and then with what you had built up in your mind in the wake of his absence as the mind slowly releases its ideas of the idealized person you created in your head. A complete stranger made up of the person you wished him to be during those months you could not do anything to forget him. And now even those built up dreams and longings, fantasies made up of an imagined future, feel so distant and unimportant.


They always say you forget the voice first. But I have begun to forget the crinkles around his eyes when he laughed or the way I still loved him even when we fought. How he took his tea and the way he looked when reading the morning paper. But I guess it’s how most things go. Not slowly and then suddenly all at once, but gradually until he becomes just a whisper. Just a hot wick right after you’ve blown the candle out. The embers still glowing orange as the fight to say lit. But it’s a glow on its way out, and although the smoke trails from its tip, tomorrow morning you’ll find it’s not lit.

Photography: Sandro Mosco

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Stay conscious, Rae


Rae Tilly

Rae the EIC of LFB and YEOJA Magazine. She is also a photographer and social media influencer.


  • It’s funny that idealised image we paint of them in our minds once they’re gone. It’s virtually relevant for anyone, not just a broken relationship but a lost friendship or death. Our time with these people is always magnified and viewed through rose tinted spectacles when the reality of it may have been anything but. We are so hard on ourselves and yet on those who leave we can conjure up only positive memories, nothing less.


    • rae

      Very good point. It really can be said for all relationships that end that there is a measure of idealizing.

  • Lovely well written post!!! You too gorgeous

    Candice | Beauty Candy Loves

    • rae

      Thanks, Candice!

  • Man, I love the way you write and make it feel so candid and raw, yet polished at the same time. It is odd, the way you break up with people twice. They say the time it takes to get over somebody is a specific time period associated with how long you were with them, but I tend to disagree. The time it takes to recover or refresh after a break-up correlates to the second break-up; those memories, then semi-memories and could have been memories of plans left in the dust and moments you subconsciously link to him. Loved reading this one!

    • rae

      Thank you so much, Michelle, this comment means so much to me! And yes I agree entirely.

  • Love your writing! and your outfit as always is beautiful. Gemma xx

    • rae

      Thanks so much, Gemma!

  • The odd thing is that this is describing exactly how I felt last year, like you wrote down my thoughts, these are the kind of posts that we’re never alone and that somebody can feel exactly like us!


    • rae

      It is so true we all go through this process with breakups I think. Sometimes we need to also get over someone fully to allow there to be an opportunity in the future for it to work out again when people have grown and sometimes we just need to get over someone so we can be whole ourselves and meet someone that fits us better.

  • Violette

    Great post! Looking beautiful!! Have nice day x


    • rae

      Thanks, Violette!

  • Shell Peterson

    SO gorgeous girl!
    xo, shell

    • rae

      Thanks, Shell!

  • Vaida Tamošauskaitė

    as usual – loved reading this. and AMEN to that “It’s funny how you don’t just break up once – but twice. First with a person, and then with what you had built up in your mind in the wake of his absence as the mind slowly releases its ideas of the idealized person you created in your head.” i remember myself feeling the same way. i guess the memories, and some thoughts in your mind are the hardest to forget about..
    p.s. you look gorgeous as always!!! love your style :)
    Vaida @

    • rae

      Thank you so much, Vaida! It means so much to me that you enjoyed this post!

  • Love this post. Like what you said, I’ve just gone through the second break up. Can’t say I’m fully healed and have totally forgotten everything but…I believe everything will be better one day and I’ll move on when I feel its time to :) By the way, how can your hair look this amazing all the time?!

    Real Life Nerd //

    • rae

      Thank you so much, Viviene! And I think that it is perfectly okay that you are not fully healed. We all need to take our time with breakups otherwise, if we try to get over them too fast, we will only be confronted with unresolved feelings later on. Everything WILL be okay and better one day though! And you will know when the time is right to move on :)

  • Lovely look!! I adore your hair…

    And breakups are SO tough… glad you have a good outlook though!!

    All the Cute
    Recent Post: Grey Toggle Coat

    • rae

      Thanks Amber! And glad you liked the post!

  • Such a cool look Rae! I love your cut offs!



    • rae

      Thanks, Jeanne!

  • I just cannot get over your hair in every post. It seriously is so gorgeous!
    This outfit is just too cute too :)

    Enclothed Cognition

    • rae

      Thanks so much Keri!

  • Such a thought-provoking post…love your hair, I can’t understand how someone can be SO SO pretty??!?! Rae, are you sure you’re not some beautiful mythical creature in disguise?

    Pop over to my blog and check out my Xmas giveaway (open internationally!)


    • rae

      Aw thank you Sarah, you are always so kind! So glad you enjoyed this post.

  • Becky Hughff

    Your hair colour is incredible!!

    • rae

      Thanks, Becky!

  • Love this! Amazing post x

    Lina /

    • rae

      Thanks, Lina!

  • Your writing is so amazing,and I definitely agree with the breaking up twice but I think this recent break up is like three or four times, because i didn’t really process it at first I was like “oh this is fine I’m ok I don’t need the typical breakup feeling” because a lot of it happened before we broke up, but then it all hit me. Weird stuff <3

    The Quirky Queer

    • rae

      Thank you so much, Izzy! And yes, sometime it takes quite some time for our hearts to truly move on. It’s very normal, but over time it lessens until one day, the pain and missing him/her disappear completely.

  • trend-mixblog

    This is a real heartfelt post. Im happy to hear your feeling better again. Your looking pretty fabulous too. I love the shorts and tights combo. :)

    • rae

      Thank you so much, glad you enjoyed it!

  • This sounds like it was a difficult post to write. I hope all is well! On a positive note, your outfit is incredible. LOVE the hat and high waisted shorts.

    • rae

      Everything is well – I find writing to be extremely therapeutic ;) Thanks, lady!

  • Wow, you write so beautifully! I feel like you would write a beautiful novel! I adore your top!
    Sincerely, Sara

    • rae

      Thank you Sara! And I am actually starting to write a novel, very slowly but it will eventually get there!

  • Your writing is always so beautiful, and I’m loving the outfit…gorgeous!

    • rae

      Thanks so much, Valerie!

  • Diana Maria

    This is such a beautifully written post, and I can completely relate to this so much. Your photos and outfit are equally as beautiful! Thank you for this post xo

    My Lovelier Days

    • rae

      Thank you so much, Diana, and I am glad that you were able to relate to it as well, even if it is a bit of a bitter-sweet topic!

  • Oh my god! Give me your hair, haha!

    ♡ daily makeup routine ♡

    • rae

      ;) thanks babe!

  • Saša Rakovec

    Beautifully written and beautiful photos!



    • rae

      Thanks, Sasha!

  • sileas

    Awww is that house of small wonders? Such a cute place to shoot <3 You found some beautiful words to a sensitive subject! And thanks to you I might dare to wear tights under shorts again, haha ;)

    • rae

      Yes it is! I know I love that place so much and thank you so much!

  • I love this outfit! Also, your bangs are SO on point! :)

    • rae

      Thanks so much, Laura!

  • Hanna

    Very nice post and cute outfit –Hanna Lei

    Latest Post: How to Wear a Pleated Skirt

    • rae

      Glad you enjoyed it, Hanna!

  • wow, beautiful writing style, so eloquent and poetic. Im loving your hair as well!

    xx Falasha

    Bite My Fashion ll Instagram ll Bloglovin’

    • rae

      Thanks so much, Falasha!

  • Erica White

    Gorgeous! I love your hair! Beautiful post!

    • rae

      Thanks so much, Erica! Glad you enjoyed!

  • You’re stunning, you pull off your hair colour beautifully!

    Check out my blog <3 |


    • rae

      Thanks so much, Ana Sofia!

  • Evie <3

    Your hair is absolutely amazing! In love!
    My Little Online Space

    • rae

      Thanks, Evie!

  • Rumela Dey

    Love this look , love how you styled it And your hair so beautiful.’My blog: RumelaTheShopaholic

    • rae

      Thanks, Rumela!

  • Kate

    You look absolutely beautiful, and you write like a dream! You captured to perfection how it feels to go through a break up. It’s so true that we torture ourselves by suddenly seeing an idealised version of a person once we’ve broken up with them. Funny how we do that to ourselves. x

    Kate Louise Blogs

    • rae

      Thank you so much, Kate! And I am so happy that you liked this read!

  • This is incrediably beautifully written and lovely to read, it good to be reminded of the good times instead of focusing on the bad memories <3

    Dana ||

    • rae

      Thanks so much, Dana! So glad you enjoyed the post!

  • Kathy

    This is such a great post. I’ve been married for a long time now so it has been a while since I’ve had to go through a breakup. My son however, is now dating so I guess I’m probably going to have to watch him go through some of this someday. I love your writing and I love this casual chic look on you.


    • rae

      Thank you so much, Kathy! And I am sure your son will go through a few heartbreaks before he finds his final partner, but as a mom I am sure you will be there for him when those times come.

  • Gosh, this is so beautifully written and it tugs at the heart and my own distant memories of the past. You hit it right with the breaking up twice part, it’s funny how our mind creates this version of him in his absence which makes letting go even harder.

    Shireen | Reflection of Sanity

    • rae

      Thank you so much, Shireen. So touched that you enjoyed this post!

  • I love this post, it’s so beautifully written. I had my biggest heartbreak a few years ago, and I also had those kinds of feelings. I still get those little memories of the good and bad times every now and then, even though it was a toxic and emotionally abusive relationship to begin with. But I suppose we can’t entirely forget, especially when that someone used to be a big part of our lives, right?

    I also love how relatable you are with posts like this – usually these things aren’t talked about even with best friends, and reading through the comments makes me feel good that I’m not the only one who has these kinds of thoughts post-breakup.

    becky ♡ star violet

    • rae

      Thank you so much, Becky! Sorry to hear about your first big heartbreak. It’s always so difficult but I guess it is a rite of passage into adulthood in many ways. And so glad that these posts make me relatable! I never want to sugarcoat life!

  • you write so eloquently. I admire this series. It’s really inspiring.

    I also love what you wrote about breaking up twice. I never thought about it that way, but it’s very true.



    • rae

      Thanks so much, Nancy! So glad you enjoyed this read.

  • That’s true. You end a relationship and then you end that intense connection that you’ve built up toward a person. Some things will always stick with you but you move on and in some ways there is something sad about that too.


    • rae

      I agree – moving on is always a bitter sweet thing.

  • Siffat Haider

    You write so beautifully. On another note, you look beautiful – your hair is striking.

    • rae

      Thanks so much, Siffat! So glad you enjoyed this read.

  • Adaleta Avdic

    Wow, it is so true that you break up twice. Once in “real life” and then a second or third (sometimes more) times in your mind when you’ve realized you need to let go. The mind is a tricky thing! xx,

    • rae

      The mind really is a tricky and complicated thing. Thanks for reading, Adaleta!

  • Vaida Tamošauskaitė

    YOU’RE so prettey, and this outfit of yours just perfect! and i really love your hair!
    Vaida @